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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 81 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 23, 2012 10:00am PDT
optimal response, at least to the american people as far as us all being on the same page. >> well, here's what i'll say. >> jon: yeah? >> if four americans get killed, it's not optimal. >> jon: guess which part of that lit up the conservative media complex? biden. no, that's not right. not right. ah, it was hash tag "not optimal." by 10:00 p.m.'s "on the record" with greta van susteren, senator john mccain expressed his deep and in no way opportunistic disappointment. >> even from someone like the president, who has never known what these kinds of tragedies are about and the service and sacrifice that people make, it is still just, you know, i can't even get angry. it's just so inappropriate. and i'm sure that the families of those brave americans are not amused. >> jon: i can tell how not angry you are. [laughter] strong and definitive condemnation from mccain of an interview the senator could not possibly have seen as it didn't air until one hour later. and i'm pretty sure mccain stopped watching this show... [laughter] [whispering] so to see the senator commit to something with
Comedy Central
Oct 18, 2012 7:30pm PDT
can use contraceptives or not. >> yeah, you should tell that to your disembodied voice that supported the blunt mental which does limit choice. >> of course i support the blunt amendment. some state law. i talked about contraceptives. i misunderstood the question. >> for those of you in your dorm rooms carving an apple whose ears may have perked up at the mention of a blunt amendment, it has nothing to do with that. laugh laughter and romney had some odd moment, like when describing his efforts as governor to recruit more women for cabinet positions. >> i went to a number of women's groups and said, can you help us find groups. they brought us binders full of women. [laughter and applause] >> jon: a couple things. [laughter] one, the women's group was called mascap, an they approached governor romney, not other way around, and, two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as "whole binders full of women." [laughter] but perhaps referred to it as a well-organized collection of qualified resumes. but hey, binder of women, book of broads, notebook of nipple, whate
Comedy Central
Oct 23, 2012 7:30pm PDT
have a good one tonight. tonight's guest, my friend dl hughley will be joining us, but first, last night, night of too many stars. thanks to everybody for watching and donating. a great night. you see that beautiful set for "night of too many stars"? can we show that? that beautiful set was here. it was here. do you see, where i'm sitting right now? last night in this room. now it's not here. do you want to know why it's not here? because "the daily show" crew are [bleeped] set elves. they are magic. they worked all night long to make this happen. give these people a round of applause. [cheering and applause] unbelievable. anyway, it's been a big week. on thursday we had on the president of the united states. what happened was, and this is the truth, goldie hawn had been scheduled. [laughter] a last-minute conflict. so since the president was already in town for a previously scheduled traffic logjam, he stopped by for a 12-minute, you know, [bleeped], featuring all the standards, solid biden in a wet bathing suit gag, a couple, where the hell were you in the first debate zingers. y
Comedy Central
Oct 30, 2012 10:00am PDT
congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made. i felt the same as the president did. i supported his action there. absolutely the right thing to do to have crippling sanctions. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i think romney's leaning obama! (laughter) apparently romney is one of this year's coveted swing voters. look, how closely did mitt romney align himself with what had, i guess up until last night, been the worst foreign policy ever? listen to these guys duet on syria. >> i believe that assad must go. >> assad has to go. >> i don't want to have our military involved in syria. >> for us to get more entangled militarily in syria is a serious step. >> so the right course for us is working through our partners -- >> -- in consultation with our partners -- >> -- to identify responsible parties within syria. >> mobilizing the moderate forces. >> organize them. >> helping the operation organize. >> we need to make sure -- >> making absol
Comedy Central
Oct 25, 2012 7:30pm PDT
injured. so i used the resources that i had at the time to save lives of three patients at the same time, stop their bleed, call in a medivac request and ensure that they were kept alive and safe until they could get to a higher echelon of care at one of the hospitals in the country. [cheering and applause] >> jon: do you have a certification that says that you did all this? >> i am my amt basic license, which is some of that. >> jon: and that certifies do you do what? >> take vital signs. >> jon: school nurse. >> let's do it. [laughter] >> jon: you'd like the job? >> yes. >> jon: do you have a professional pupil services license. >> i do not. >> jon: issued by the ohio licensing boardment >> i do not. >> jon: what experience do you have in this field? >> i've stabilized guys with a wound in his chest, replenished fluids, breathed for him for 37 minutes until we could get a blackhawk helicopter to get him to the next echelon of care. [cheering and applause] >> jon: let me ask you a question. are you familiar with kickball? [laughter] in the job that i'm asking of you, you will be require
Comedy Central
Oct 8, 2012 11:00pm PDT
tonight legendary guitarist pete townsend will be joining us. ( cheers and applause ) one of my all-time heroes. quick story fallout from the rumble on saturday night. obviously other than for people who couldn't download it, i apologize for that. it turns out the internet is a series of tubes. if you stuff too much in one tube, it won't... but it turns out my kids watched and apparently the phrase "bull [bleep] mountain" was awfully popular with my son who is eight years old. apparently not as popular with my wife. in terms of him using it. so, i drove home the next day from washington. i got to the house. i greeted everybody. i was so excited to be home. i noticed my son was sitting across the room giving me the stink eye. giving me one of these. and so i go, hey, nate, what's up, man? he goes, "you should watch what you say." i was like, "what do you mean?" he goes, "kids could see that and use that language and they could get in real trouble." there you have it. it sounds like [bleep] i'm out of here. as you know, look, we face a growing deficit and debt problem in this country
Comedy Central
Oct 15, 2012 7:30pm PDT
that "hung" season 3. (laughter) how could he they not let us know what ray is going to do next with his giant dong? (laughter) well, you can't expect romney to lay out a specific plan with numbers and budgets. he's not a businessman, he's -- sorry? (laughter) we need a numbers guy. >> those of you who know me, i'm kind of a numbers guy. >> jon: there he is! the capitol hill accountant! the wonk from wisconsin. the mathematician from -- madison's general vicente fox cindy. lay it on us, numbers guy. how do we know the romney/ryan fiscal plan will work? >> i've run the numbers in congress, they do. >> jon: okay. (laughter) so what are the numbers? >> how much would it cost? >> it's revenue neutral. >> how much does that cost? >> it's revenue neutral. >> you haven't given me math. >> well, i don't have the -- it would take me too long to go through all of the math. >> jon: how about this? you busy? leave it with us, we'll look it over. (laughter) unless it's all bull (bleep). (laughter) this reminds me of something. reminds me of a simpler time when the country was also emerging f
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 11:00pm PDT
tonight. joining us for the first time, the governator, arnold schwarzenegger will join us on the program. i wonder what that might have sounded light, it might have gone a little something like this. >> taxi? >> i have zero to work on that impression. >> this is the first presidential debate is wednesday, biggest day of the whole year, for editors of podiums magazine. boy. a buying make or break moment for both campaigns and they are going all out preparing. >> president obama and governor mitt romney are preparing for wednesday's debate on in denver. >> msnbc obama's leaving on sunday for two or three days of debate camp. >> oh, debate camp! >> oh i remember going to debate camp, i remember like no sports, a bitter rival, camp normal malfun. >> let's see if i remember the debate camp stopping if i can. ♪ >> on the shores of lake rhetoric, we practiced logical consistency. will beat your ad hominem attacks on false tautologies. and logical falsie. >> not in the face! not in the face! getting your ass kick is actually written into the song! >> so two highly accomplished men to s
Comedy Central
Oct 4, 2012 10:00am PDT
got kentucky senator rand paul joining us, obviously name for his father's favorite philosopher, rand mcnallly. a short time ago president obama and governor romney wrapped up their first debate. who knows if they even had the debate with yesterday's bombshell. full day, drudge-con one, blue siren alert, obama race video. hannity had the exclusive. >> tonight you will hear from barack obama like you have never heard from him before. a video has been uncovered from a campaign event in 2007 of then-candidate obama. it contains some of the most divisive class warfare and rarlly charged rhetoric ever use by barack obama. >> jon: casually tossing out words like honky, white trash, o-fay, spf-45 wearing mother... the video had been widely covered when the event occurred in 2007, but that doesn't matter. i'll let hannity's guest explain. >> people say, this has already been reported. well, it hasn't been, and i know because i reported on it the first time. [laughter] [applause] >> jon: so let's see some of the highlights of this, explosive video. >> cracker ass, cracker ass cracker. i
Comedy Central
Oct 17, 2012 10:00am PDT
us dope something in. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] i get winded lighting a cigarette. [ laughter ] and think of the kids. i mean, if a hero like lance armstrong won't take responsibility for that there's no telling what they might do if they think they can just deny it. >> i swear to each and every one of you that every allegation of gross and immoral activity of chugging of alcohol never took place at the pi kappa alpha house. >> first things first. hats off to the brothers in the background for somehow keeping a straight face while orville red enbalker lawyer says butt chugging. >> an activity called butt chugging that is the first time he has ever heard of the two words butt chugging, butt chugging, we asked saturday ander fefs butt chugging and his comment was, what in the world is that? [ laughter ] >> what in the world is that? it's where you chug with your butt. don't they teach english tell university of -- english at the university of tennessee? what is so bad at butt chugging anyways. you tell me i can drink and smoke at the same time. [ laughter ] what coul
Comedy Central
Oct 19, 2012 7:30pm PDT
creatures and men use just this organ here. the one i'm pointed too. [laughter] >> jon: for women life is just one big turnon, turn off, playboy questionnaire? >> that's what we use in place of resumes. we all fill them out when we turn 18 whether you get chosen to pose or not. >> jon: it seems like if that's the case it would be impossible to have a spirited debate. >> that's ridiculous you just need to be smarter about the staging. yes. [laughter] >> now that is a debate a lady >> jon: welcome back. tonight he's currently the president of these united states. please welcome back to the program, president barack obama. [cheers and applause] >> how are you? >> i'm good, how are you? good to see everybody. good to see you. >> jon: how are you? >> i'm doing great. before i do anything else i have to acknowledge we have amazing women warriors. we have a whole crew of veterans, i had nothing to do with this. the uso wanted to bring them here and a want everybody to give them a big round of applause. >> i do want to ask you this. i'm putting a scrapbook of the whole 2012 campaign and i have th
Comedy Central
Oct 16, 2012 10:00am PDT
. don't worry about it. just don't point [bleep] it out to either one of us. i wasn't the only hearing dream weaver whenever martha raddatz spoke >> martha raddatz did superbly an excellent excellent job today keeping both of these candidates in place, asking first-rate questions >> she was commanding. she followed up when she needed to. >> jon: i mean, we all really can't believe what she did. i mean really made us look like [bleep]. really [bleep]. with that whole journalism thing. any-who, we now turn back to our regularly scheduled show, rogue partisans killing time with tweets and other gimmicky crafts. >> joe biden was having an absolute meltdown in terms of his face movements >> ryan was coming across as robotic >> i'm seeing spikes now on thing like rude >> twitter was afire after the debate last night. >> we saw the congressman drinking a lot of water. biden on the other hand was not so thirsty. >> what is this on paul ryan's face? >> what you're seeing are 491 different points on his face that are measuring different muscle movement. >> jon: just quit. cnn didn't just talk to
Comedy Central
Oct 12, 2012 1:00am PDT
scribbles. [ laughter ] my name is jon stewart. director paul thomas anderson is joining us to talk about his new film "the master" which is in no way a devastating critique of anything. [ laughter ] is that good enough? will they leave us alone now? tonight, of course, was the vice presidential debate. shocking development, nobody saw this coming, both vice presidential candidates tonight on national coming out day came out simultaneously during the debate. [ laughter ] the real winners tonight, two lucky fellas to be named later. [ laughter ] you know, we spend a lot of time talking about the choices for president and vice president. some express frustration with limited options. did you know that the four men that we have are by far the cream of crop in washington or as we refer it to the cream of crap. [ laughter ] we salute their down ticket brethren in a segment called "you magnificent bastards." we'll start in missouri where lucky show me staters could turn todd akin into a republican senator. he has ideas frnch what i understand from doctors that's really rare. if it's a leg
Comedy Central
Oct 26, 2012 10:00am PDT
. >> jon: well that brings us to yet another install am of our surprisingly recurring series republican candidates said what about rape now? (laughter) now i am not-- i am not a pollster, or a pundit. but here's how you know your campaign may have veered slightly into the weeds. when 1 week after your party's leader endorses your candidacy you have to call a press conference to say this. >> i absolutely abhor violence. i abhor any kind of sexual violence. i abhor rape. and i am absolutely confident as i stand here that the god that i worship abhors violence, abhors sexual violence, and on hour shall -- abhors rape. >> jon: so now that i've cleared up that i do not worship a rape loving diety-- (laughter) let me just reiterate mourdock 2012. whooo! wow! well, i hope you enjoyed that romney endorsement while it lasted, mourdock, because you can blow the kiss good-bye. >> mr. mourdock's comments do not reflect governor romney's views. we disagree on the policy regarding exceptions for rape and incest-- increst but still support him. >> jon: not often do you hear someone say i di
Comedy Central
Oct 5, 2012 7:30pm PDT
great depression. let's make sure we are cutting out those things that are not helping us grow. 18 programs are-- medical fraud in medicare, cut a trillion dollars out of our discretionary domestic budget. the specifically specific $4 trillion deficit reduction plan t is on the web site. you can look at all the numbers. let me just finish this point because are you looking for contrast. >> way over two minutes. >> sorry (laughter) >> jon: you went over your time? and you somehow managed in all that overtime to not turn and look your opponent in the lie and just mention what he said was untrue? not even a quick sneeze before your answer, no need to be coy, let me see if i can come up with a two minute answer that might have been more effective. liar! lie, lie, liar, lie, lie, liar, lie, lie, lie, lie, liar. lie romney lie! romney lie, lie. your time is up. >> shot your fat pie hole lehrer. optimism he-- i'm account command never chief, i don't take orders from tote bag johnnie. lie, lie, lie. what did you think lehrer was going bail you out. hold romney's feet to the fire. lehrer sp
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 10:00am PDT
week. ozo, take us home! oh, my god, yeah! (laughs) >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. whoa, we got a show for you, joining us from the new york knicker bockers basketball club mr. amare stoudemire will be joining us. we will trade notes on how each of us celebrated yom kippur. now, obviously you have heard about the tensions in syria, iran, throughout the mideast. but there is a battle brewing much closer to home. >> tonight the food fight sweeping school cafeterias nationwide. >> students who say healthy lunches now mandated under federal guidelines are leaving them hungry. >> jon: news flash! extra extra, children think school lunches suck. (laughter) we now go out to our own captain obvious who has been following this story since schools began serving lunch. (laughter) all right, what's the problem? >> smaller portions, fewer calories, less meat and cheese, and more fruits and vegetables. >> some kids are complaining that
Comedy Central
Oct 15, 2012 10:00am PDT
elf as possible, our guest tonight magic johnson will be joining us. ( applause ) have we had anybody-- i think flaft two weeks have, we had anybody under, like, 6'6" on the show? everybody that's been on the show gives me a ride home in their pocket. ( laughter ) let's juch right into the big story with our continuing coverage of democalypse 2012. ( laughter ) >> i-- i hope you have dolby at home. because that's-- ( laughter ) folks, election watchers are always poised this late in the campaign season for what they refer to as an october surprise. it appears that time is upon us. as evidenced by the recent presidential debate where barack obama unveiled his explosive october surprise that he has given up. ( laughter ). surprise! ( applause ) even the president acknowledged to his less-than-stellar performance. >> after the debate i had a bunch of folks come to me, don't be so polite. don't be so nice. what was being presented wasn't leadership. that's salesmanship. >> jon: right, but salesmanship is the thing you invariably need to acquire leadership. ( laughter ) by the way,
Comedy Central
Oct 3, 2012 10:00am PDT
us chickens, right? huh? i mean, when the mics and the cameras go on pick a lock, you know what i'm talking about? pick a lock. what's that red -- okay, so it's on. as it turns out, the voter i.d. laws ostensibly set up to stop nonexistent inn-person voter fraud have the residual effect of disenfranchising and suppressing actual eligible voters. disproportionately of the minority, poor, and elderly variety or, as they are sometimes known, democrats. (laughter) of course, that law has been challenged in the courts and we are expecting a ruling -- (laughter). all right, just roll the ruling. >> we have breaking news right now. a judge has issued a decision in pennsylvania's controversial voter i.d. law. >> jon: all those without voter i.d. must gay marry whilst on medical marijuana during the first trimester! there, i (bleep)ing settled everything! (cheers and applause) it's all done! (cheers and applause) all right. what did the actual judge rule? >> the judge today put a hold on that new voter i.d. state law. >> what the judge says here is i'm just not convinced in my predictive jud
Comedy Central
Oct 10, 2012 1:00am PDT
one for you tonight! ben affleck, director, actor, writer ben affleck will be joining us with a great new movie "argo." but first. ladies and gentlemen -- (laughter) with just four weeks to go to election day the insurmountable, unblowable lead the that president barack obama enjoyed post-convention -- (laughter) -- has been mounted and moan by mitt romney. (laughter) (laughter) no? (cheers and applause) i stand by that phrase. (laughter) and it is now mitt romney who cannot be mounted or blown. i -- you know, there's a better -- will there's a better way of saying this, i'm sure. so perhaps now is the time to actually pay attention to what our future overlord has been saying. (laughter) his dreams, his assessment of the state of the country now that he is 100% assured of winning this election as obama was just last weekend. (laughter) >> this is unacceptable. it is not working. trillion-dollar deficits for the last four years. there's over $16 trillion in debt. harder and harder for small businesses to grow and thrive. the amount of debt we're adding at a trillion a year is simply no
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 7:30pm PDT
defuria has been there to help. >> average client is $25 and $50 million and up. people come to us when they don't have to work another day in their lives. >> so why do they have problems? (laughter) >> i know it sounds very odd but the climate today is very different than it was ten years ago. >> we're really angry at the haves right now. >> and so what happens because of that have is the wealthy end up hiding themselves in these gated communities. >> when i think about these people i just feel bad and i just-- (laughter). -- want to punch them in the (bleep)ing face. >> the wealthy are people, too. >> from the trust belt in connecticut to the tech get co-s of silicon valley, the rich are being unfairly vilified but at the money meaning and choices institute has identified a more serious problem. >> we coined the phrase sudden wealth syndrome. >> sudden wealth syndrome? >> it describes the psychological issues and sin toms that many people experience as a consequence of coming into new or sudden problems. >> they have problems, that's why we coined the term s.w.s. >> if you contracted
Comedy Central
Oct 25, 2012 11:00pm PDT
tonight, the house democratic minority leader nancy pelosi will be joining us tonight. maybe we'll talk about the election! maybe we'll fwaukt selection, which you may have heard is happening, 12 days from now in the great state of ohio. (laughter) i'm not sure if any other states are voting this year, but candidates are beginning to make their closing arguments. and if i could frame them through lyrics and music of the great britney spears, barack obama is saying to the electorate, hit me baby, one more time. (laughter) whereas mitt romney is perhaps suggesting, i'm a genie in a bottle. (laughter) really, they're not sung by the same person, are you sure? no, they are sung by the wonders that judge on the talent show. there's two music talent shows? i have got to get myself a zune. (laughter) what are we talking about? oh, yeah, mitt romney's closing arguments. >> the government of the united states is not a good venture capitalists, he likes to pick winners and losers, about $90 billion in green energy companies like solyndra and tess la a friend of mine says he doesn't mind picking w
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 81 (some duplicates have been removed)